Shalia's Diary #3 Page 6

  “Damn it, come in,” I said. I stomped away and dropped onto a seating cushion.

  He did so, coming over to gracefully fold his legs to sit Indian-style on the cushion across from mine. I was still calling him a hundred times a jerk in my head, but I had to admit the view was nice. Stupid, handsome Kalquorian.

  “So why did you do it?” I asked. I was looking for him to give me a reason to be mad. Darn it, I had to take it out on someone.

  “I was sworn to secrecy by my commanding officer,” Betra said. He still wouldn’t look at me. “He explained you weren’t ready to know. That you were in love with the clan who might have fathered the baby and would try to stay with them on Earth, even though they weren’t ready for a Matara.”

  “Damned straight I would have,” I grumbled.

  Betra sighed. “Then there was concern about another man who might be the yadbis, the biological sire. According to Dr. Nayun, whom you have officially recognized as your father, that potential donor could be a danger to you. Had he known you might be expecting his offspring, he might have blocked your escape. Dr. Nayun, in his capacity as your father, was adamant that you get away before this Dramok Nang found out and caused problems.”

  He had a point. Nang had gotten a little crazy in the end. Had he known I might be carrying his child ... I shuddered.

  Betra added, “Everyone was quite worried about your well-being, Shalia. They only did what they thought was best for you.”

  I glared. “I am not a child, you know. I don’t appreciate being treated like one.”

  Betra didn’t answer right away. He turned something over in his mind before speaking again.

  He finally looked me in the eye. “You know, I understand that. You are an adult. It’s kind of hard to treat you like one, though.”

  I swear my jaw came about an inch from hitting the floor. “What are you talking about?”

  Betra flushed, snorted disbelieving laughter, and shook his head as if he couldn’t quite fathom his own words. “You’re female. We Kalquorian men are supposed to take care of women, especially the ones who are expecting children. You shouldn’t feel stress or be concerned with anything. We men are to take care of all that.”

  I regarded him with surprise. “You’re kidding, right?” When he didn’t answer, I felt another wave of shock. “You’re not kidding.”

  Betra shrugged. “It does seem crazy now that I’m discussing it with you. I mean, I’ve learned you’re a very strong, mature woman. But this is what I’ve been taught. We men control, protect, and care for the women.”

  “Jesus, Mohammed, and Moses,” I breathed. “Control?”

  “We make all the decisions for the good of your welfare.”

  It explained a lot, especially when it came to how Dad and even Nang had treated me. I wish I had known sooner. “This is how all of you think?”

  Betra laughed. “I’m afraid so. And I, of all people, should know better.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Because you’re a lot like my mother. She didn’t appreciate my fathers trying to run her life ‘for her own good’ either. In fact, she never put up with it.”

  I arched an eyebrow at him. “You must have had a loud childhood.”

  He chuckled. “Not really. Instead of yelling at them, my mother simply did whatever she wanted, even over my fathers’ objections. If they dared to keep a secret from her, like we did you, she’d take me on a ‘vacation’ until they apologized and promised to not do it again.”

  I had to grin at him. “I think I like your mom.”

  He nodded. “She’s a wonderful woman. I have always adored her strength.”

  My shock and amusement were wearing off, leaving me feeling tired and cornered yet again. “I’m not feeling so strong right now, Betra. What am I going to do with a child? With this child? Who would clan a woman with a baby?”

  He blinked at me in surprise. “Many men. In fact, it’s a good thing you’re not on Kalquor right now, smelling the way you do.”

  I frowned at him. “Smelling?”

  Betra nodded and his nostrils flared as he took a deep breath. “There are a few weeks in the first trimester during which some pregnant Earther Mataras exude a certain aroma. It’s a strange phenomenon, and it doesn’t happen with all of you. It doesn’t ever happen with pregnant Kalquorian women, or so I’m told.”

  So that’s why he had been sniffing around me all the time. “So I stink?”

  Betra laughed. “Quite the opposite. Actually, you, ah, smell very good.” He reddened. “Your scent is arousing.”

  I went all wide-eyed again. “Arousing? Like guys want to be with me? Sexually?”

  Betra nodded. “I’ve been keeping a close eye – or would it be nose? – on you. I had to so I could warn off other men if it happened. Your father said you wouldn’t want a bunch of eager Kalquorians on your doorstep so soon after losing the clan you loved.”

  “He was right.” I sighed. “Dad is determined to keep me protected, even from all these miles away. Tell me more about this sexy stench I’m putting off.”

  “Your pregnancy scent kicked in about a week ago. It lasts about seven to eight weeks.”

  “Good God,” I moaned, covering my face with my hands. “That day in the dining room must have been when it started. That’s why you chased them all off.”

  “Exactly. The men were responding to you. I had to order them off to make sure they didn’t get too excited and get themselves into trouble.”

  I was still worrying over my clanning possibilities now that I was in the mommy way. “I won’t smell like this forever. By the time I get to Kalquor, I won’t be able to lure a clan into my evil clutches. If I don’t freeze the embryo, I’ll have a newborn that will scare them away instead.”

  Betra shook his head. “You don’t understand, Shalia. Your child will be irrefutable proof of your fertility. It will make you an even more sought-after mate for many clans.”

  I stared at him. “But they’ll have to raise another man’s child. No one’s sure which clan fathered my baby. That other Dramok, one I knew better than to get involved with ... oh, I don’t want to talk about the whole sordid mess. I was a naughty girl. We’ll leave it at that.”

  Betra cocked his head at me. “The child you carry will belong to the clan you choose on Kalquor. They will be his or her fathers. Not the men you had sex with.” A smile twisted one side of his mouth. “You do know you’re supposed to be exploring your sexuality, right? That it’s perfectly okay for you to have sex with whoever you want until you join a clan?”

  “Stop laughing at me,” I warned him. “It’s not that simple for Earthers. Besides, I was in love with the first clan. I only turned to the other man because I was lonely and scared.”

  “You put a lot of emotion in the realm of sex,” Betra said thoughtfully. “It’s not usually casual for you, is it?”

  I shook my head. “Not even with Nang. Crazy or not, he made me feel safe. He made me feel good.” I sighed. Emotions when it came to Nang had been so complicated. “Half the time I wanted to be around him, the other half I wanted to crash a shuttle into him.”

  Betra laughed at that. “Then you definitely don’t want him to be the father of your child. You should be relieved to give the honor to other men.”

  I tried not to think of Dusa’s clan. Of giving their child a different set of fathers. It made my head hurt.

  Instead, I asked Betra, “You really think a baby doesn’t hurt my chances of clanning? That whoever I end up with will take care of this child?”

  He smiled at me. “They will beg to show you what good fathers they will make for the babe you carry. You have nothing to worry about when it comes to finding a clan, Shalia.”

  It made me feel a little better to hear that. I guess that when you’re facing extinction like the Kalquorians are, you’ll take whatever you can get ... even if it means adopting and caring for a child not of your own making.

  One question down, a million t
o go.

  December 20, early

  I just had the most nerve-wracking conversation in my entire life. Dusa’s clan commed me to say hello and catch up on the latest. Ha! That wasn’t awkward, not one bit (yes, please assume sarcasm here).

  I honestly don’t remember most of the conversation. I sat there, looking at my three former sweeties, thinking about the baby inside me. I’m nodding my head at the appropriate moments, smiling like all is well in Shalia Land, laughing at their jokes, telling them about anything and everything but THAT. All the while I’m thinking, I’m pregnant and they don’t know. I’m pregnant and they don’t know. I’m pregnant and they don’t know.

  I half-expected them to guess. Really, I did. I felt like I had the word blazing in capital letters over my face. P R E G N A N T. I waited for eyes to widen, for mouths to drop open, for someone to shout. But it never happened. They just talked on and on, telling me things that I responded to without really hearing.

  At one point, I nearly told them. I thought I would explode if I didn’t say anything, if I let them just patter on with their conversation and then ended the com with no idea. The words were on the tip of my tongue: Congratulations, guys. You’re going to be fathers. Surprise!

  Only one thing kept me from doing it. The possibility that this child is the product of my ill-advised fling with Nang kept me from sharing this universe-shaking news. While there is doubt, I can’t tell Dusa, Esak, and Weln they have a child on the way. So I kept my mouth shut.

  Sooner or later though, if I decide to go through with the pregnancy, it’s going to show. My favorite clan is going to know I’m expecting. They’ll know there is a strong possibility one of them knocked me up. It will have to be dealt with.

  That’s why I’m going to find out one way or the other who the father is. It might help me decide whether to freeze the embryo or keep going with the pregnancy. It will allow me to say, this is Clan Dusa’s child. All the doubt will be gone, and I’ll have one less thing to wonder about. One last worry to keep me up at night.

  So I’m off to Medical to get Dr. Tep to solve this mystery once and for all. I hope it’s good news. I really, really hope it’s good news ... though I’m not entirely certain which way would be good news.

  December 20, later

  Well, fuck me. I wish the Kalquorian Empire itself had a face so I could punch it. They have the stupidest rules!

  I went to Dr. Tep and told him I wanted to know who the father of my child is. Guess what? There’s a good chance I won’t be allowed to know! Since I’m not going to clan with Dusa and company, nor Clan Nang (oh HELL NO), my child is to be the legal offspring of whoever I clan with. That means unless Nang or someone in Dusa’s clan has family histories of genetic illnesses, Tep won’t give me the name of the father!

  How the hell is that fair? Or right? Shouldn’t my child know who his real father is? Or at least the clan he comes from? I mean ... what the fuck?

  Tep did promise to check into the medical records of all concerned. That scared the shit out of me. I mean, what if Nang found out he might be the father of my child? He didn’t want to take ‘no’ for an answer most of the time anyway. Good Lord, if I ever opened my door to see that jerk standing there with that ‘I own your ass’ look on his face ... fuck. I’d kill him or myself.

  Fortunately, Dr. Tep assured me none of the potential fathers would know a genetic health check was being performed on their backgrounds. So that’s a relief. At least Kalquor is getting one thing right.

  He then said, “So you’ve had a few days to think about what you’re going to do with this child. Have you got any questions or concerns you’d like to discuss?”

  I had to laugh, though not with much humor. “Dr. Tep, I’ve got nothing BUT concerns. This is such a mess, especially if I don’t know who the father is.”

  “The fathers will be the men you clan. Biology does not make a parent. Love and care do.”

  Well, isn’t that sweet. And not one bit of help to me whatsoever. “I have to know. I still talk to Clan Dusa. We still care about each other.”

  Tep sighed. “You really should rethink that relationship. You are on your way to Kalquor to be a part of the lottery. You’re going to join an established clan which will take care of you and make you their lives’ priority, along with the children you give them.”

  I scowled. “I don’t need a guilt trip, Doc.”

  He kept on anyway. “Meanwhile, Clan Dusa will be on Earth for as long as it takes to evacuate your people. They may even reach a point while still there when they’ll have been together long enough to clan a woman. They may find a mate, one who makes them as happy as they were with you. If you’re still clinging to them, however, they’ll miss that chance.”

  I blinked at him. It had never occurred to me that Dusa’s clan might meet someone special. Someone they would be able to clan.

  The thought made me a little ill. Sure, I want the boys to be happy. I want them to have someone who cares for them and makes them smile. I’ll be honest and admit I had never been quite sure I was that someone. Yet now that I was faced with it, I wanted to push the idea away. To pretend that it could never happen.

  I muttered, “Thanks for making me feel like shit.”

  Tep sighed and patted my shoulder. “Sometimes life works like that, Matara Shalia. You have to turn your back on the past, as much as it might hurt. It’s not good for someone in your condition to be stressed over a foolish thing like the child’s paternity. You should be thinking of a bright and happy future, surrounded by men who love you.”

  I was betting Tep had never been in a hopeless love affair. It must be nice to not have your heart yanked out and stomped on. Otherwise, he’d never be hinting that I set Dusa’s clan aside. He’d never suggest I should simply walk away like it hadn’t meant anything.

  For God’s sake, they may have given me a child. How am I supposed to not think about that?

  And the good news just keeps coming. The com just went off, and it was my good advice buddy Tep himself. None of the Kalquorians I had sex with has any abnormal genetic history. I will not know who the father of my child is. How fucking liberating. Asshole.

  December 21

  You gotta love friends. Especially friends like Candy and Katrina. They came over first thing this morning, whooping it up like a couple of lunatics.

  “Up, woman!” Katrina yelled at me. “Into the shower! Clean up. No more feeling sorry for yourself.”

  “Who died and made you my keepers?” I grouched.

  “No one died, but you’re going to get your tail in gear,” Candy insisted. “You’re pregnant. So what? You don’t know who the father is. Who give a shit? The men you care about are far away and not returning to your life any time in the foreseeable future. It sucks like hell, but that’s the way it is.”

  “Time to join the living, baby,” Katrina agreed. “Go shower and dress or we’ll hogtie you and do it ourselves.”

  I stared at them in disbelief. Their faces set in determination, and they made a move towards me. I ran into the facility.

  “Fine!” I yelled, turning the water spray on. “But there had better be coffee and breakfast when I get out!”

  They saw to it. I sipped delicately at the coffee. Tep said I could have it, but it does tend to bring the nausea on a little bit. Most of the morning sickness crap isn’t as big a deal these last two days with the medicine he gave me, but certain smells, drinks, and food do mess with me. Katrina tells me I’m getting off lucky.

  “All nine months with my third I was sick as a dog,” she confirmed. “It was horrible. Even the smell of tap water made me heave.”

  “Tap water has a smell?” Candy asked.

  “It did during that pregnancy. I had my head hanging out of the shower, making disgusting puke noises towards the toilet. My husband thought it was hilarious.”

  “Do you know what happened to your kids?” Candy asked very quietly, as if she hoped Katrina wouldn’t notice she’d ask
ed the obvious question.

  Our elder friend swallowed and shook her head. Her eyes were suddenly too bright. Mine stung in sympathy, and Candy ducked her head.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

  “I appreciate the concern.” Katrina managed a smile as she swiped at her now-wet cheeks. “The Kalquorians doing search and rescue in Memphis and Nashville have been contacted. That’s where they all lived. If they or my grandchildren are found, I’ll be notified.”

  We were quiet for a bit after that. What do you say to a grieving but hopeful grandmother?

  As if I’d spoken aloud, Katrina said, “I have the joy my children and grandchildren gave me. Nothing can take that away. I know they had good lives before Armageddon, and I had a hand in that. I have no regrets where my family is concerned.”