Shalia's Diary #3 Read online

  When I woke, the Kalquorians were gone. I rested on a cushion, a soft blanket tucked around me. Someone had even been kind enough to wash me after I’d fallen asleep, because I smelled so nice and fresh. My skirt, blouse, and underclothes were folded neatly on a nearby table.

  Katrina and Bethany were similarly passed out nearby, both softly snoring. I don’t know if Candy was still in Katrina’s bed. I didn’t check.

  I dressed and came back to my quarters. For all my efforts at escape last night, I still find myself alone after all. Nothing has changed; I only pretended the inevitable wouldn’t happen for a little while. If anything, I feel emptier than before last night. All that sex with so many different men, as distracting as I’d hoped it would be, only feels pathetic in hindsight.

  I’m not about to judge Katrina and Candy for the fun they’re having with their ‘boys’. I’m glad they can enjoy themselves with such abandon. Heaven knows, I’ve been no angel by any stretch of the imagination, and every Earther woman is due her freedom to sexual expression in my opinion. However, the whole group sex thing, unless it is with a clan I know and trust, is not for me. I have no interest in any more of Katrina’s parties.

  It put me in a crappy mood. I made the mistake of looking over my prospective suitors while in this funk. Before I knew it, I was deleting clans left and right for no reason other than being pissy. I made myself stop and re-add them for later consideration.

  My moment of good decision-making ended when Betra announced himself at my door. I refused to answer. I don’t want to look at any Kalquorian male for any reason right now. He didn’t give up easily either; he kept knocking and buzzing and calling out for at least two minutes. I ignored him and he finally went away.

  Betra doesn’t deserve my irritation either, but now that I think about it, it’s probably for the best I didn’t answer the door. In the mood I’m in, who knows how mean I could have been with him, meanness he doesn’t deserve? Maybe later I can com him and apologize.

  Hopefully, this is a case of pregnancy hormones gone wild. I hope that’s what’s happening and I hope it passes soon, or I’ll be bugging Dr. Tep for some of the happy meds that I took during that depressive episode I had on Earth. I can’t stay down like this.

  January 29

  There is nothing like a sense of purpose to put one’s head back on straight. I feel much better than I did a couple of days ago.

  Both Betra and Oses left me messages on my super-blue day, letting me know that blaster training had been approved for those Earther women who wished to take advantage of it and had passed the psychological tests. I had my first practice today.

  Confiscated Earth weapons were given to those of us who reported this morning to an assigned cargo bay. The bay had relegated to the purpose of getting us Annie Oakleys into fighting shape. Mine was the first class of the day, which consisted of 20 of nearly 350 women who had signed up. Overseen by Oses and half a dozen other security personnel, we learned the basic parts and functions of our weapons, went over Kalquorian safety regulations, and how to maintain the blasters. Then there was a lot of proper handling procedures before they let us load the things up with practice simulation power. We don’t get to have live power packs until we show proficiency with our weapons. Once we do get live power for our blasters, we have to register their amounts every week and document any usage. Oses tells me it’s that way for everyone on board, even the Kalquorians. If a murder goes down by percussion blaster, the perpetrator will be quickly found.

  Once we had our practice loads in the blasters, we finally got to shoot. The last quarter of our two-hour class was all about hitting static vid-projected targets. Of my nearest and dearest, Katrina was our best shooter at a 84 percent contact rate with 56 percent kill shots fired. I turned in a respectable 77 percent contact rate with 43 percent kills. Candy, who has a bad habit of shutting her eyes when she fires, was disgusted with her 38 percent contacts, no kills.

  As Oses gently remonstrated her for her bad eye-closing habit, Candy scowled at me in frustration. “Every time I fire, I see Shalia killing that guy back at the Academy. I don’t want to watch anyone’s head vaporize again.”

  “You’ll have to get over it, Matara,” Oses said. “Percussion blasters take apart what they hit if the body isn’t armored. This is a matter of your life versus that of an attacker. If you can’t pass proficiency, you can’t carry. That means you’re going to be helpless.”

  “I know, damn it. How about handing me some of that fierce Nobek practicality so I can do this right?”

  Oses chuckled and patted Candy’s shoulder. When she took out the target’s arm on her next shot, having squinted but managing to keep her eyes open, the big guy cheered her with the rest of us.

  We were allowed to keep our weapons, though they have no firepower. “They are yours, Mataras,” Oses informed us at the end of our first training. “They will be inspected before every class to make sure you are keeping them properly maintained. If you are unable to keep them in perfect operating condition, you will have to surrender them back to me. If you do not consistently attend training, you will give them back as well. If it is determined that you have no business owning one of these, I will confiscate them. Understood?”

  Murmurs of agreement sounded around him. I think we all appreciated how meticulous Oses and his men were about the blasters being treated with the respect deadly weapons are owed.

  “We will meet every other day for training until you have either acquired proficiency or it is determined you cannot benefit from the work. Once you are trained and cleared for live fire, you will practice once a week on your own in the fight simulation range we are preparing for you. Meet here again at the same time, day after tomorrow. Well done, Mataras.”

  Dismissed, the rest of my class left, chattering about all they’d learned with each other. Most kept their hands on their holstered blasters, placed in belts the Kalquorians had provided. They wouldn’t be able to tromp around the transport like lady gunslingers however; we were all under orders to lock our weapons in our quarters and not take them back out until the next practice.

  I hung back a little, wondering if I could get in a word with Oses. It had been days since our tryst, and I hadn’t heard anything from him except to report for blaster training. I wondered if I’d disappointed him sexually.

  He barked a few orders at his underlings, who were readying for the next class due in a few minutes. Looking like a big, bad force of nature, Oses turned from them and headed for the door I lingered near. He grinned at me as he drew close.

  “Not too bad for an Earther, little one. You’ve got a natural knack for shooting.”

  “Really?” I felt a thrill that he’d noticed my skills. “Katrina was pretty damned amazing.”

  Oses chuckled as he accompanied me out into the corridor. “I’ve trained Nobeks who didn’t have her skills. I might put her on patrol next time one is needed,” he joked.

  I was trying to come up with a way to hint that I’d expected to hear from him sooner, and not about training to shoot, when he beat me to the punch. “I apologize for not contacting you sooner, Shalia, but readying for the portal jump has kept me busy.”

  I frowned. “I didn’t know it was such a big deal.”

  “Normally it’s not. With things the mess they are coming off your planet’s Armageddon, the dynamics have changed. The route between Earth and Kalquor is not well protected yet. We don’t know if anyone on the other side of the portal will be waiting out of sensor range to take advantage. The Galactic Council and its member planets are scrambling to put defenders in place along the routes the refugees will be taken through, but those closest to Earth are still unguarded. We have to be ready for the worst.”

  “Wonderful,” I sighed. As if leaving Earth and those I loved far behind wasn’t bad enough.

  “We probably have nothing to be worried about, but until we get through the portal safely I’m not going to be available to explore all the lovely things
I want to with you.”

  Oses’ lascivious grin told me I’d not disappointed him at all during our first encounter. It made me a happy Shalia.

  With a wicked grin of my own I said, “I do enjoy new discoveries. Be warned, patience is not one of my strong suits.”

  “No? Then the moment we are through the portal, I will be prepared to put you through your paces in my quarters.” His low tone turned growly with threat. “I will be quite demanding, sweet girl, so be ready.”

  Whew. Thinking of how Oses looked at me when he said that gets me all wobbly inside. Speaking of men who melt my butter, I need to make nice with Betra too. The sooner the better.

  January 30

  Wow, talk about people with troubled childhoods. All I can say is, poor Betra.

  I went to see him to apologize for being so mean the other day and refusing to answer his messages or the door when he came knocking. When I walked in his office this morning, he gave me a look that was a mix of hurt and cringing. I guess he thought I was going to yell at him.

  I immediately started with, “I am so sorry I’ve been a jerk to you, Betra. I’ve been upset over this portal jump thing that’s about to happen. Saying goodbye to my dads and not being able to reach Clan Dusa has made me all ugly in my head, and I took it out on you. Please don’t be mad.”

  Relief filled his features, and he immediately came around his desk to give me a hug. “I’m not angry, Shalia. I thought you were furious with me for what happened with Oses.”

  Oh yeah, I’d forgotten that tantrum he’d thrown when I’d nearly gotten to play with both men at once.

  I hugged him back. “That wasn’t even on my radar, you big nut. Although if I was a decent person, I would have come to see you sooner and made sure you were okay.” I drew back and sighed, shaking my head at myself. “I get so caught up in my stupid dramas that I forget to act like I care about the people I care about. Now I have something else to apologize for.”

  Betra laughed and gave me a kiss that warmed me up nice and proper. “Shalia, my issues are not yours to worry about. I’m just happy we’re not fighting.”

  “Me too.” I shoved my more selfish self back to put someone else on center stage for a change. “How are you? Are you okay?”

  He waved me off. “I’m fine.”

  I arched a brow. “I think not. Going ape shit when a guy strokes your hair is a bit extreme, even if you’re not into playing hide-the-wiener.”

  “Hide the what?”

  “Never mind,” I said. “What is the real problem, Betra? Come on, talk to me. It’s not often I manage to remember the universe doesn’t revolve around me, even though it should.”

  He grinned and shook his head. “You are a mess, little one.” Betra pulled me into his arms and thought for a moment, obviously composing what he wanted to tell me.

  Finally he said, “To be fair, Oses is not really my problem. In all honesty, I like him. I like his strength, his intelligence, and his friendship. He is a wonderful man.”

  “But you don’t like him that way.”

  Betra shook his head. “I’ve tried to, because I do enjoy being around him. At least I do when he’s not trying to get me to fuck him. However, I’ve never felt that kind of attraction to men. It doesn’t feel right to me.”

  I smoothed his hair back. “That still doesn’t explain how extreme your reaction was when Oses touched you.”

  The Imdiko sighed. “I know. Clever Shalia, you see there is more to what happened the other day than me not wanting men.”

  “So?”

  Betra bit his lips together, considering again. It was then that I saw pain in his eyes. Real pain and terror. Something bad had happened at some point.

  I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed close. Not in a sexual way, but to give him the support I felt he was in need of. “Betra, what happened? Who hurt you?”

  He swallowed. “My Nobek father’s brother. It was only once, but it was awful.”

  I drew a shuddering breath. “How old were you?”

  “Thirteen. I already knew I didn’t like to be intimate with men, and then when that happened—” He broke off and shook his head.

  I could have wept for Betra. He might be a grown man, but there was still something young and vulnerable in his expression at that moment, something that showed me the frightened child he’d been when it happened. No wonder he’d freaked out with Oses.

  “Did you ever tell anyone?” I asked.

  Betra shook his head. “My uncle went off to patrol the Empire’s border soon after and was killed in an altercation with Tragooms. He was considered a hero by the family, and I couldn’t bear to tell them otherwise. It would have devastated my Nobek father.”

  “That’s awful, Betra. I’m sorry you went through that.” I really was. I knew what it was like to be violated and not able to turn to someone else.

  I said as much and then added, “You should tell Oses. He’d back off if he realized what happened to you.”

  Betra scowled. “It took everything I had just now to tell you. Oses would think I was being uptight.”

  I shook my head. “I think you sell him short. He’s a tough bastard, but he strikes me as a lot more understanding than you’re giving him credit for. He’s careful where he has to be.” I waved my hands to quiet Betra before he could say anything else. “Look, you’re in no shape to think about any of that right now anyway. Just know I get where you’re coming from. I won’t encourage anything that will put you in such a position again.”

  Betra smiled at me. “Thank you, Shalia. I’m sorry you went through hard times too.”

  I shrugged. “I survived more or less intact, same as you.”

  “Yeah, but you don’t get crazy when a man touches you.”

  “Not Kalquorian men, anyway.” I laughed. “I never thought about it before now, but the only good sex I’ve ever had has been with your race. The thought of fucking Earthers leaves me cold, just like you don’t want to be with Kalquorian men. Maybe you should try out Earther guys and see if the opposite works for you.”

  Betra rolled his eyes. “As I’ve heard a few of you women say – ‘yuck’. I’ll stick with females.”

  I laughed. “And I’ll appreciate that, trust me. When can we get together again?”

  He grinned, full of deviltry at the thought. “I’ve got tonight free. I’d be glad to distract you from some of your grief over this afternoon’s portal jump.”

  Knowing how I get, a distraction sounded pretty damned good to Miss Moody Monroe. No doubt I’d be all sad and boo-hoo-ey over finding myself two days removed from talking to my dads. Screwing Betra might keep angst at bay. “You’re on.”

  So here I am, looking at the next few hours with a mix of trepidation and anticipation. Portal jump. Sex with Betra. Portal jump. Sex with Betra. Bad and good, all rolled into one. Guess which option I’m concentrating on?

  January 30, later

  We’re in trouble, I think. I’m not sure. I think we might have been attacked. The claxons are still going off.

  I know we went into the wormhole and made the portal jump. Betra commed a message to his group, asking us all to remain in our quarters until we emerged on the other side, and to be ready to evacuate if necessary. In other words, the stuff we’ve been told for the past couple of days, ad nauseum.

  So I was hanging around, sitting on the sofa-like lounger in my quarters. I was ready to go just in case and feeling sad and bored. I thought of my dads, Dusa, Esak, and Weln. Being angst-y Shalia, in other words. Nothing new there.

  Of the portal jump, I can’t say I even noticed us making it. It was just another day in space, except I had the vid up with the report that the captain had so kindly decided to send us newbie space travelers. It gave a countdown of when the transport would emerge on the other side of the wormhole.

  All was peaceful and fine until that counter hit zero, indicating we’d emerged in normal space again. The vid went blank at that point. Moments later t
he claxons went off and an order went out.

  “Proceed immediately to your evacuation shuttles. This is not a drill. Proceed immediately to your evacuation shuttles. I repeat, this is not a drill.”

  I got up and made my move towards the door when the floor beneath my feet bucked hard. I lost my balance and saw the table near my couch rushing up towards my face. Then all went black.

  I woke up on my bed, strangely enough. Did someone put me there? Did I crawl to it in a semi-conscious state? I have no idea how long I was out, but I have a hell of a goose egg on my forehead. My door letting me out of my rooms won’t open either. I spent several minutes banging on it, screaming for help. The lights in here are half dimmed, and nothing is bringing them up brighter. My room com isn’t working, and I seemed to have smashed the portable one I was wearing when I fell.